"I want to go home to my wife" with Teepa Snow

One of the most emotionally difficult experiences caregivers face is when a loved one living with dementia no longer recognizes them. Teepa Snow, MS, OTR/L, FAOTA, a renowned dementia care expert, sheds light on this experience in her series Time with Teepa.

“I Want to Go Home to My Wife” – But She’s Right There

• When a spouse repeats, “I want to go home to my wife,” while the wife is right in front of him, it can be heartbreaking and confusing.

• Teepa advises pausing and internally acknowledging: “I’m not who you expected, but let’s focus on what’s happening right now.”

  
  

Get Curious Instead of Defensive

• Ask open-ended questions like:

  • “Do you need your wife for something?”

  • “Are you just wanting to be with her?”

• Try to uncover what the person may be feeling or needing in that moment.

• Validate their emotions: "It's really hard not having her when you’re wanting her.”

• This approach doesn’t solve everything—but it opens the door to connection and understanding.

• If the person is anxious or insistent, offer a comforting distraction:

  • “Let’s take a walk while we wait for her.”

  • “Would you like some tea while we think about that?”

  
  

Why Does This Happen?

• Dementia distorts time.

  • People may remember earlier stages of life more vividly than the present.

  • A husband may be searching for the version of his wife from 50 years ago—or even thinking of a different spouse.

• Roles become confused.

  • Caregivers often take on responsibilities (helping dress, managing tasks) that shift the dynamic.

  • The person living with dementia may no longer feel like a spouse, but more like a dependent.

    
    

What Can You Do?

• Stay calm and compassionate in moments of confusion.

• Remember: it’s not about you—it’s about their perception and what they need in that moment.

• Use curiosity and validation to meet them where they are.

👉 “Take care with our care,” Teepa reminds us. Being present and curious can turn a moment of disconnect into one of deeper understanding.

For more dementia care insights from Teepa Snow, visit TeepaSnow.com.